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Wednesday, January 29, 2014 10:28 pm
/ listen, ♥I'm not jealous. In fact, I don't even care and it's scaring me. I'm supposed to react, I'm suppose to feel something, I'm suppose to retaliate. But I'm not the least bit bothered and it's scaring me even more than before. What should I do?
Thursday, January 23, 2014 11:25 pm
Confession listen, ♥
I don't know how I'm actually feeling.
I know I fuck up sometimes,
but I'm only human.
I'm designed to make mistakes
and to learn from them.
I'm not born perfect,
I have countless flaws that sum up my life.
When things go wrong
and the road ahead seems bleak,
what am I to do?
Should I hang on,
or just cave in to the temptation of letting things go?
What if I told you,
it was all meant to be?
That we were never meant to cross path,
that it was a bad decision to embark on this journey.
That it hurts much more than it should,
moving forward.
And how it will continue to ruin my mental state of mind.
I'm tired.
Tired of lying to myself,
tired of pretending that everything is okay.
Tired of your lack of understanding,
tired of trying to explain the situation.
Tired that you never seem to understand where I'm coming from.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014 11:43 pm
Time listen, ♥"Time and tide waits for no man." - Geoffrey Chaucer It's been three weeks since I finally have time to sit down and to be able to feel relieved. But it's only going to last for a day. Despite that, I am thankful, that I finally have time to breathe. Winter semester has been a living hell, right from day one. And I cannot imagine going through this all over again. I'd rather opt out than to take on such a challenge if I was given the opportunity to choose again. The workload and commitment is insane, and it's not even funny. I barely had time for myself, my family, my friends and the people dear to me. It was literally a living hell with countless sleepless nights that I wished I could have forgone. Thank God for the Partner-In-Crime who's always there to lend me a helping hand, especially when I was at my lowest and needed most help. I think I would have been even more depressed than I am now if it wasn't for her help. In this time, I realised how time really flies. And I dread the fact that it's going to be like that for a very long time. When will it be the next time that I can stop to breathe for a day or two? I really wonder. I don't know how I'm actually feeling about everything that I have. Am I really happy? Is this what I really want? I don't know. I need answers to my questions, but nothing comes my way. I'm dreading the life ahead. I'm thinking that we are slowly reaching the end point, that I can easily do without any of these things that are weighing me down. I think I feel happier before than we are now. And I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining everything because of the lack of understanding. I'm tired of having to entertain all the nonsense that is thrown my way. I'm tired of trying to keep this going when it's somehow blinding to see how it's never going to work out. I'm tired of being treated as a criminal when I have my own life to lead, and when I haven't done anything wrong. I'm tired of thinking of ways to make things work when it obviously isn't going to. I don't know. I'm so insecure and tired from all these. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Sunday, January 05, 2014 12:00 am
10th listen, ♥ 
HAPPY 10th,
to the one I love most! :)
It's been a decade since we knew each other
and I thank God everyday,
for giving me someone so precious to be a part of my life.
I may not be the best of friends,
I may not make you smile all the time,
I may not be the one that you want to talk to
because all I do is sit silently and to hear you rant,
but thank you for always being there.
Thank you for always being my sunshine after a pouring rain.
I would never have imagined growing old without you.
And trust me when I say,
you mean the world to me.
You might think that it's because I'm trying to replace what I have lost.
But it definitely isn't.
And I can attest to that with my life.
I'm glad that we can meet after 2-3 months and more,
and still not feel any sense of awkwardness surrounding us.
I'm always thankful for having you by my side,
especially on days when I'm crumbling.
Thank you for never giving up on me,
on this friendship that I've held onto so dearly.
Thank you for standing by me throughout this 10 years,
despite me being mean at many points in time.
You have no idea how much you mean to me.
Thank you for being ever so encouraging,
for never once telling me that I'm a failure,
for never once putting me down
even when you're better at something.
Thank you for letting me see the good in others
and to always be thankful for the people I have in my life.
Despite all my flaws and brokenness,
thank you for trying to make me whole time after time.
Thank you for looking forward to meeting me from time to time
despite our busy schedules.
Thank you for never letting go of this hand
which has been desperately holding onto you.
We might not be able to hang out as much as before,
we might not be able to be there from time to time
because we're so busy and caught up with life,
but thank you.
Thank you for giving me hope
whenever my world feels like its about to crash.
I love you Sunshine. :)
And I'll always be there for you
just like you were always there for me when I'm most in need of someone.
Thank you for trying to complete me from time to time
because, it really means a lot to me.
To know that I'll always have your back,
even when we don't spend much time together.
Thank you for always making the effort to contact me first
instead of me having to make the first move.
And as promised, I'll continue to be there for you,
to be your support and encouragement when you're most in need of it.
When you're uncertain, upset and such,
I'll be there in a heartbeat.
I love you Sunshine, with every heartbeat.
Till infinity and beyond.
x,
Thursday, January 02, 2014 11:56 pm
Thoughts listen, ♥
Have you ever tried to convince yourself that you're of worth, of attention, of love, of someone's time, etc.
There are many times in life, that I question myself. Am I of worth to anyone around me? Do I deserve the attention of others? Is it worth it to love someone who is as insecure as I am? Should anyone spend any of their time with me, someone with much flaws? And the questions go on, and they don't disappear, they don't fade away. They're just stored, in the corners of my heart, waiting for answers.
At many point in time, I wish I could turn back time. I wish that I can get something out of all that I've done, all the effort that I've put into this or that person. I wish I could live my fairy tale life which is oh-so-perfect. I wish, I wish, with all my might. But life doesn't work that way.
Some days, you feel like you can be your very own hero. You feel like the world owes you a damn living. You have too much to offer this myopic world that you're stuck in this mess that you're caught up in.
On other days, you wonder how you can break free from all the stress, hatred, annoyance that life throws at you on a daily basis. How, can we ever move forward with all the unhappiness that we keep to ourselves.
As individuals, we have become so accustomed to bottling everything up. Some are exceptionally good at this while other have no means but to rant every single day. But, how does this benefit us as individuals, in the long run?
Sometimes, we feel like running away from all the hurt and the pain that we are caught in. Sometimes, we feel as though the world is being unfair and uncaring towards us because we see people in better positions. Sometimes, we feel that we deserve better in life despite our flaws and the inability to commit to things that stand in the way. But when have we ever paused to ponder and to think about the beauty of others?
When was the last time we truly stopped to ponder and to think of the positive aspects of the people we truly hate. Sometimes, we don't have a reason to hate someone, we just do. For no apparent or specific reasons. Maybe they've hurt us in the past, we might have forgotten what they have done, but the scar remains. And all we think about that person, is that they are mean and obnoxious and the worse people to be around, just to satisfy our ego and pride that we hold onto ever so dearly.
We hate ourselves on any given day for no apparent reasons, because we feel down and out, because someone that truly matters ignores/betrays/hurts us in ways that we can never imagine, and the list goes on. Why can't we find many more reasons to live instead of hating ourselves and the plight that we are in?
I chanced upon an article 'You are so Beautiful' and I stopped to ponder on how we no longer see the beauty in ourselves. We judge ourselves base on what others think about us, we allow others to dictate how we should truly be, we enable our lives to be managed by people who are not living in this body. Why?
Why should others dictate our lives when we can live it the way we want to? Why can't we appreciate ourselves and the beauty we have, but instead listen to what the world expects of us? Why should we conform to society's expectations - to be slim, to be size zero, to look like a slut in order to get someone's attention, etc. Why are we so caught up with what others think and feel about us? Why can't we be happy with what we have?
There's no answers to my endless questions.
And then I read the last few sentences and it tugged on my heartstring:
"You will always have you - the strongest person you'll ever know" - Elise Benito
Labels: http://thoughtcatalog.com/elise-benito/2013/11/you-are-so-beautiful/
Wednesday, January 01, 2014 12:00 am
Resolution listen, ♥
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
Welcome 2014. :)
To a blessed and better year ahead. :)
And here goes the New Year Resolutions.
1. Finish reading the bible before my birthday
2. Go for at least one musical
3. Blog about something worthy, once a week
4. To have more patience and continue to be thankful for something everyday
5. To meet the people who matter to me more often
And with this, have a blessed year ahead everyone! :)
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♥  MARTHA KATHLEEN CLARE SOH RUILING! Bestf! ♥ Fareen Yeo ♥ Partner-in-Crime ♥ February ♥ Jung Yonghwa 정용화 ♥ CNBLUE! 씨엔블루 ♥ Tiffany Hwang 티파니 ♥ Reminisce,
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